Everyday situation lasting only a few seconds. You go to work, and since no one else is home, logically you lock door, because you want to find all the things together and in place (who would want to call the police and fill out forms for insurance company at end of working week). Simple insertion of the key into the lock, turn twice and follows a small morning walk to the car or to the bus stop. So easy, you say. But not for me. Now I will tell you my lengthy and ritual procedure, which must be followed carefully step by step, otherwise I’m not able to leave the door. And it doesn’t matter if I miss the bus. When I do it wrong, my brain refuses to concentrate on anything else. At least you get a chance to peek into the life of a person living with the compulsive behavior and thoughts.
So: First, I check the fridge if it’s closed, if gas isn’t leaking and lights are turned off everywhere. Nothing strange, but let’s go shut the door. I turn the key twice, more precisely to the maximum, and in this final position, I wait several seconds before my head understands it. You ask why? Ritual, without which I can not take another step, and if I hear an unexpected and sudden noise, it’s even worse, because I have to concentrate again. Stupid, right? Let’s continue. When I get through this part, I put my finger between the door and jamb, that it is fine. What? It is locked, so why more control? Believe it or not, I’m still not convinced that I did it well. Then, I try to push the door with my body. One… two… three… Strange, but true. I eventually cease to count the attempts, because it depends on the sound of the lock, which works. Meanwhile, at least several minutes passed and I’m still staying near the door. If you read until here, congratulations :), but towards the end, we need to make a few more steps. Now comes probably the weirdest thing of this iron habit. I look at one specific spot on the jamb and focus on it, if it is really all right. The fool needs to make sure once more, followed by a few more lost seconds. And what is at the end? I take a few steps from the door, I stop and read the name tag hanging on the door. My surname is final assurance. Only then I can go outside.
Now imagine, that this kind of behavior is almost everywhere in my life. Counting of things, which I have in front of my eyes. Checking of the written words, e-mails, messages, phrases or addresses… Compulsion is part of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). A more detailed description can be found on Wikipedia, but annoying, intrusive thoughts are the result of this behavior disorder. The only relief is (as in my case) constant reassurance and repetition of work. As you probably guessed, it requires a lot of time out of my day and sometimes, it’s crazy. Not to mention other people, who don’t know this problem. It is as if your car constantly stops after a few meters to make sure, that it is on the right side of the road.
It affects my job (checking of the products is sometimes the real challenge) and relationships. It’s still on the surface. Although it has improved over a few years, I still suffer. But my cup of patience overflowed recently and I decided to end it. There are a few techniques, which I will use. Not the pills, because I’m not a fan of today’s modern medicine, and I hate to eat it like jelly candy. Anyway, I hope I will win this battle. I just want to live normally. Wish me luck :), I’m going to need it.
“Nobody is perfect. And that’s why each person is so unique.”
I believe I’ll see you next time and I want to wish you a wonderful day with a smile on your face 🙂