The morning starts as usual. I wake up next to my boyfriend, happy and excited for the another expected day. I am thinking about the tasks and duties which I want for the next few tens of hours do. Because of my pedantry, everything must be almost at the exact minute and in perfect sequence, otherwise I feel slightly nervous and tense. When I look at my table, I realize that my good friend in a cage is not there. Again, he had a wild night and because sleeping in peace wouldn’t be possible, I decided to transfer him to the hall. It hasn’t been for the first time when he played with his ‘mirror buddy’. And because my other habit except breakfast is to have fun with him and have a meaningful conversation in two languages (human and animal), I get up with curiosity how was his night. I am going into the next room, expecting to see how he is stretching his wings like a little vampire. His curious eyes looking like two small, sleepy and black beads, searching any sound which captures his developed hearing…
Blue cloth on the cage prevents me to look into his humble home, but when I notice that he is not even on one of the perches, my senses are warned. My eyes automatically slide down to the bottom where are most of the remnants of feeding and… let’s say decently ‘his natural creations’. But among all this mess which I want to clean within a few days, I see his small stiff body. The reality hit me cruelly. At that moment, the entire daily schedule disappears, literally evaporates. And I just stare at an empty shell without energy. His flame of life was extinguished overnight forever. Arrow of deep pain and sadness hits me and I begin to cry. Devastated, I go back to my room to my boyfriend who notices my tears instantly. I tell him what happened and he goes to take a look at him also. His plans also recede into the background, and together we think of where to bury him. Now you might say that I’m crazy when I want to bury a small, insignificant budgerigar, but I can not throw 10 years of my life into the garbage. Waste; junk; unwanted, damaged or superfluous things belong to the stinking iron thing. But not being who once was the soul. I am sensitive and emotionally minded person, I want to do it with grace, humility and respect. The important and significant part has left. The friend with whom I played like a kid in elementary school. The roommate who didn’t have a toothbrush, and therefore sat on mine. Little swimmer utilizing our large bathtub as his personal pool. Omnivore who loved almost anything, including potato chips, nuts and popcorn. Assistant who was able to fix my mood with his colorful, beautiful and sometimes loud shrill voice when he greeted other birds outside. Confidential soul filling dismal solitude.
The time is running differently then. I don’t concentrate on anything, my mood is in horrible state. I work with difficulty, hold back tears and still look at him. Before the final way to resting place, I thank him. He was here for me. For all the wonderful and fun time which we spent together. Suddenly the doorbell rings and I dress. My boyfriend came to help me, and because he has experiences with this, he knows where to go. Carefully, I put my sweetheart into a shoebox. The cage sits empty and I close the portable coffin. We walk out of the house, sit in the car and go. Neither of us speaks. What topic would be appropriate in such moment? Soothing isn’t worth it, because comforting words would fall on deaf ears. The mood equals zero. Eventually, we get both quietly to the fact that silence is the best solution. He gives attention to the traffic, I keep the box in my hands. I enjoy each moment of this last trip. I can’t hold tears anymore and my eyes starting to fill up. I almost can’t see, but then we find ourselves at the destination. Forest, motionless trees and shrubs as important guardians of the place, local birds care about orchestral accompaniment and I realize that he’s going to like it here.
I am waiting nearby, meanwhile my boyfriend makes a hole in the ground. Deep enough that he can’t be digged. When the permission is granted, I wrap him in napkins and lay him inside. He gets a few gifts as a farewell. A blossom, a leaf from a nearby tree and stone for good luck. This time, I am giving consent and after a while, he disappears out of sight under a layer of clay. The last steps follow. Stones as protection against interlopers, stick looking like a cross, pine cones and twigs for decoration symbolizing the wreath. Still, I don’t want to leave him alone. But then I realize that life must go on. Our paths were parted, but he will be in my heart forever. A lot of pictures, videos, memories, or secretly hidden feathers. There will be always his presence. And so we begin to walk slowly towards the car, but I look back for sure. “I will come to you again soon,” I assure him. When we are leaving his grave, I feel empty, but happy. I did for him maximum. Not only because he deserved it, but I loved him dearly.
After arriving home, I am wondering what to do next. His toys, home – hiding, where he was afraid of foreign visits. I hear nothing, only silence is my companion. No cute voice, just my thoughts always sing the same melody ‘He is gone’. “I know it even without you,” I say angrily to the reality which I am not willing to accept. I don’t know from what my eyes still produce tears. I don’t feel wet drops on the cheeks. I can’t specify the time which elapses during this activity, but in the end, it’s useless. I don’t have the strength. The only unraveling of the complex puzzle becomes a conclusion that one chapter of my life has closed. Maybe it’s time for something new. Perhaps his purpose was fulfilled and I’m ready. But for what? I have no idea.
Why did I start my diary with sad chapter? I wanted to share this message with someone. You can see that I am not always positive. None of us is like that. It would be then something wrong. But what is more important… use the time which you spend with your loved ones. Whether with family, friends or even pets. A person in a black cloak with the scythe in hand doesn’t warn us in advance. She can visit our surroundings when she pleases. It only depends on us, how many opportunities we will live fully. Because one day, she will knock on our door too.
Today, at the end of the article, you won’t find a smile. But a photo of my deceased and lovable friend…
“Time is running without stopping. Do not regret of something, what you didn’t do, but be grateful for what you’ve been through.”
I believe I’ll see you next time.